Riddel's quest for Elements!
by chibilinnet
Summary: I'll never make a G-rated story. Anyway, whiny Riddel wants some Elements, and she isn't just gonna buy some? No, she must be ESCORTED to town.. but who will be the (un)lucky kid? Well... READ IT THEN!
1. I want Elements and I want them NOW!

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Oooohh... shiny candy bars..

Ummm... yeah, I dunno what the heck is this anyway.. MWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!! Anyway, feel free to read, flame, review, wonder what the hell is wrong with me and call up an assasin to murder me, blah blah blah..

Nothing in this fic belongs to me. They belong to other people, but not me. Happy?

And this is set when Riddel, Karsh, Dario and Glenn where kids. No one is acting like they usually are, but then it wouldn't be very funny, now would it?

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Once upon a time, there was a happy land called El Nido. It was ruled by a very grumpy man named General Viper who had a spoiled brat of a daughter named Riddel. Now, Riddel isn't spoiled, ya say? WELL, SHADDAP AND LISTEN TO THE GODDAMNED STORY!

Anyway, one day, Riddel decided to go get herself some Elements. She pestered her father over and over again.

"But Daddy!" Riddel whined. "All the other lowlifes get to play with Elements and I can't!"

"Riddel! Shut the hell up! I'm sick of yer whining and moping! If you want those damned Elements so bad, yer gonna go out of town and BUY SOME!"

Riddel did not want to go alone. She wanted some poor soul to come with her and buy the Elements for her. What a bitch! Anyway, the poor soul in question was a terrified kid named Dario.

Where is Dario, ya ask? Oh, banging Karsh in a.. oh wait, this ain't no NC-17 fic, this is PG-13! Well, Dario was hiding behind a stuffed Pikachu doll. Now, dun ask me how Pikachu got there, just READ!

"Oh I hope Riddel doesn't come here!" Dario shuddered. But because I am mean and Dario had natural bad luck to begin with, Riddel ended up in the same room as he did!

"DAAAAARRIIIOOOO..?" Called Riddel, but maybe called is a bit of an understatement. Let us say she ROARED.

The windows cracked, the pipes broke, a sinkhole swallowed up half the guards and the Pikachu plushie, who was actually Pip, ran away revealing Dario!

Hu? You say Pip wasn't in the story back then? Oh well, he is now! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Dario wailed, and Riddel laughed evily. 

"Come on, dear Dario, yer gonna buy some Elements for me!" she cackled. Dario pleaded and begged but Riddel grabbed her PRISIM STAFF and bonked him on the head with it. Unfortunatly, the staf-

GODDAMMIT, STOP INTERUPPTING ME! RIDDEL HAS THE PRISIM STAFF THIS EARLY IN THE GAME BECAUSE HER MOMMY LEFT IT FOR HER, OK??

..Unfortunatly, the staff was so powerful it knocked Dario out. Now Riddel was upset! Who was gonna escort her into town and buy Elements for her? Karsh of course!

Now, Karsh saw the destruction Riddel's roar made and he was a very scared now. So scared he peed. But maybe it was by Fate, or a stroke of luck, that he was sitting on a toilet taking a crap. 

"Oh no! Now that mean Riddel is gonna make me come with her! I don't like Riddel!" Karsh complained. He sat there, pondering on how to get Riddel away from him. But time was running out! He could hear Riddel ROARING for him! The room was starting to shake and Karsh didn't know how long the building could stand! 

Lo and behold, Karsh...had..an..idea!

"KKKKAAAA...MMAAAAAEEE...HAAAAAAA...MMMAAAAEEEE....HHHHHHHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" Karsh yelled, and...

THE BIGGEST, LOUDEST, SMELLEIST FART KNOWN TO ALL MANKIND WAS BORN!!

The fart's force knocked everyone within a thousand mile radius down. Riddel was thrown into a bucket of pig shit (how it got there, I do not know), but that was next to nothing after the smell kicked in..

OH THE SMELL! THE SMELL WAS HORRIBLE! IT STANK WORSE THAN HELL! 

Every plant within a 5-mile raduis withered and died. Monsters ran away in fear. Regular humans and demi-humans ran into the nearest cave/house/boat/whorehouse and boarded up the windows.

But Riddel, who fell into that bucket of pig-shit, was immune to the smell, but was knocked back so far that she'd have to take another 30 seconds to walk to where she was. But Riddel was a busy girl, and she needed someone fast! Glenn just so happened to be in a barrle beside her.

"Hiya, Riddel, how are you?" he asked, ignoring to the smell, destruction, or the threat of having a conversation with Riddel.

"I need someone to escort me to town so they can buy Elements for me!" She answered, then smiled at Glenn. "Would you take me?"

Glenn thought for awhile. You see, Glenn was not very smart, being bonked on the head too many times during training with Dario and Karsh. Riddel often spared Glenn of her evil Rainbow Staff (which her mommy left her, rememeber that) because she saw him as an impudent child. But, hey, why not! A 8-year old can escort a 12-year old completely capable of protecting herself, right?

"OK!: Glenn smiled stupidly, and Riddel grabbed him and marched her way past Viper Manor and right.. to the Shadow Forest.

"Uhhh... Riddel? This isn't the right way.." Little Glenn whimpered. Riddel laughed in the same manner as Heidagger from FF7 and snorted after that. 

"Who's the older one, Glenn?" She asked sweetly.

"Uhhh.. you?"

"So, then who's the smarter one?"

"Uhhh.. you?"

"That's right!" Riddel huggled Glenn, and proceeded to march towards the Shadow Forest, and their impending doom.

**********Meanwhile, at the ruined Viper manor**************

General Viper surveyed the area in disgust. He knew that the only creature foul enough to do much damage was only...

HIS EVIL, DEMONIC, DAUGHTER, RIDDEL!!

"I'll send some of my troops to execute the girl.. then I'll need a new heir.." He mused. Now, which one of his idiotic troops would have no trouble killing Riddel? Well, killing Riddel is a very difficult task! He'd need some strong, smart..

Aha! SeeDs! No, wait, wrong game..

THE 3 DRAGOON DEVAS! 

Yes, the-

LOOK, IN THE PRESENT TIME, THE DRAGOON DEVAS WERE RADIUS, GARAI AND ZAPPA! There was no fourth. SO SHUT UP, QUIT WHINING AND READ!

AHEM, Yes, the Dragoon Devas were the equivilant to the Turks! (Lousy Planet, why can't it have Mako? Noooo, we're stuck with two dimensions and a bunch of lousy Dragons and Elements)

"RADIUS! GARAI! ZAPPA!" Viper barked. Three drunken men stumbled into the room.

"Yeah *hic* sir?" Garai saluted, then fell down.

"It is...time." Viper announced. The other men looked around in glee.

"RADIUS!" Zappa roared, and got down on one knee. "WILL YE MARRY ME?"

"NO, NOT TIME TO GET COME OUT OF THE CLOSET!" Viper screeched. "The other time"

"We get to kill that brat, Riddel?" Radius asked. Viper nodded. 

"YAY!" They all cheered, then ran out of the room searching for Riddel with lethal weapons and elements in tow.

"... stupid Devas." Viper mumbled before going to his secret room to do god-knows-what he does in there.. all I can say is.. YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW..

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Hehehehehehehehe, how was that? I'm just taking a little break from mah chibi-auron story, with this one. I chuckled a few times, but it really ain't nothing special.. read and review if ya want, you cannot deter the next chapter from coming, no matter what you do! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! 


	2. Aww, lookie at the cute little Bulbs

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"Oh, I have another son?"

Disclaimer: I dun own nobody from this fic. They all belong to Square. But I do own this very nice kitty! *huggles her kitty*

Auron: *purrs* =^-^=

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"Riddel, are yoo sure this is the right way?" Glenn fearfully asked Riddel. They stood at the entrance to the Shadow Forest.

"Of course, Glenn! Ah, Termina has such big trees!" She smiled.

A Bulb plodded past Riddel. When Riddel waved, the Bulb growled at her and started advancing.

"R-Riddel! Look out!" Glenn tugged at Riddel's sleeve in an effort to get her away from the evil Bulb. But Riddel, having the IQ of Aeris (Not an Aeris fan here, mind you), just grinned stupidly.

"Oh, Glenn look how friendly the people are here!" Riddel gushed. When the Bulb began chewing on her hand, she gushed and picked it up, ignoring the blood pouring from her now mutilated hand. She can fix that with an Element!... When they buy one anyway..

The Bulb roared and kept on chewing on her hand. But remember, Riddel has the IQ of Aeris, and is too stupid to feel pain.

"Hehehehehehehe! He likes me! Let's call him... Zork!" she exclaimed. Glenn shrugged and followed her deep into the forest. Hey, if Riddel doesn't get hurt, then I won't! Glenn thought. But he was too young to know that Riddel was... ah, different from other people.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Fossil Valley..

Radius held up a picture of Riddel (they had to tie her down and gag her, but she stayed still long enough for them to take a recognizable picture) to a fellow trooper.

"Young man, have you seen this whiny brat?: he asked.

The soldier's eyes filled with fear when he saw the evil picture of Riddel. He trembled, but managed to utter a no.

Zappa sighed. 

"That Riddel, she pisses me off!" He complained. "I want to kill her VERY BAD! Don' ye, Garai?"

Garai stood still for a moment, then drew the Einlanzer.

"It has been my very dream to destroy that wicked child.. she made my Dario and Zappa's Karsh turn into wusses! At this rate, they won't be powerful enough to even make decent Acacia Privates!" He roared.

Zappa nodded in agreement. Then his face showed a bit of confusion.

"What abou' the wee one? Glenn? Yer other son?" 

Garai's face was blank.

"I-I... I have another son..?"

"Umm... yes.." Radius confirmed. "He's Glenn, ya know, the little one that spars with Dario and Karsh but usually gets whacked on the head? That kid."

Garai thought some more.

"You mean the brain-damaged one?"

"Yeah! That's the one!" Zappa said.

Garai blushed. "I... I never knew that poor child was mine!"

"Oh, good Sky Dragon, Garai, you didn't know you had another son..??" Radius sighed.

Garai nodded. 

"Hell, I don't even know who the mother of my kids are!"

"No one knows, Garai.. not even the players." Zappa said.

The three men nodded and thought it best to just drop the subject. After all, they still had to find and kill Riddel, and since they barged out before hearing any clues to where she could have been from General Viper, they just aimlessly wandered El Nido until they ran into her.

But that won't be for a very long time.

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Back at the Shadow Forest, Riddel had spotted a old dude picking mushrooms.

"EEEEEEK! GLENN! A MONSTER! SAVE ME!" Riddel shrieked and jumped on Glenn. The weight of the girl was too much for Glenn to carry and he fell over.

"Hahaha! You kids are weird! I'd say the Bulb chewing on your hand is a monster!" The old man laughed.

"DON'T MAKE FUN OF ZORK!" Riddel roared, and the whole forest shook. Zork was very scared and ceased chewing on Riddel's hand.

The old man saw whom this really was, and fled for his life, screaming "AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! IT'S RIDDEL!!"

"Good job, Glenn! I knew I could count on you!" Riddel beamed, then whipped out her Prism Staff..

OK, OK, I know she uses a rod, but let's just say she's using a staff. Why? I don't know!

...and tapped Glenn on the head with it. Glenn smiled, then looked around.

"Um, Riddel? This path leads back to Viper Manor.." He told her, but Riddel wouldn't listen, being to occupied with petting Zork, who resumed chewing on Riddel's hand.

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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA! I got over my writer's block! Anyway, how will Riddle react when she finds out Glenn was right and they were NOT at Termina?

And will the Dragoon Devas ever find Riddel? See, people, always listen to what yer boss/teacher/parent/random video game character has to say!


End file.
